So another big argument today, 2p.m., that lasted less than 10 minutes, but it got hot very fast because of the fact she has done this before many times and I’m just getting soooo feed up with it.
During our flyer route last month one, at one of the houses we deliver to, a guy came out giving the kids a bag full of candy. I said no that we didn’t want it and my wife said ‘don’t worry have gave us stuff before’. He’s excuse this time, to me, was ‘it’s just left over from Halloween’.
This week on our latest flyer route he handed my daughter 4 red envelopes. This time I was up ahead a couple houses and missed the whole transaction. Being in the position of NEVER wanting to speak my heart in fear of rejection and argument I made little hints saying once ‘We should just go put them back in his mailbox’ and then today, 2 days later, when my youngest daughter took the cards off the tree and put them in her room I said ‘They are poison’ in more of a joking way (again not wanting to argue with my wife). My wife didn’t come true of the no arguing part because she started attacking me verbally on ‘how they are not poison’, ‘in her country….’, ‘she wasn’t raised that way’, and ‘she’s a Buddhist and monks…..’, etc., etc. You know the traits of someone who shows a lack of empathy. No matter how I explained that the envelopes where not ‘really’ poisoned, but the actions of that house were, she just doesn’t get it or more likely doesn’t care to hear me. I explained that the house has been giving gifts, what happens when strangers keep giving gift? They are not strangers anymore and those people start to talk. I explained that, know our oldest son, the chances of him seeing money coming as gifts from that house and going back over there to get more were, to me, 99%. What if that house is waiting to for a story like these?. I’d rather NOT take even 0.1% chance.
This is NOT normal for a house to give gifts this month, especially money ($10/each adding up to $40). I’d think even more so during this epidemic. For me, it’s just safer to teach the kids NOT to take things from strangers and to avoid the chances of our oldest going back over there to mouche for more.
So anyways the argument was like this. She was disagreeing with how gifts are poison by comparing her country with Canada. So our country, I guess, is the same or should be the same with Thailand. I was getting so frustrated that should couldn’t just say ‘ok husband if it means that much to you I will stand by your side and together we can teach the kids NOT to take gifts from strangers’, but instead she was yelling justifications at me for that house saying things like ‘They have kids!’, ‘They are a married couple!’, Didn’t you see the wife?’, ‘Do you even know what’s in the envelopes?!!!’. The last question, I had to reply ‘What!’. ‘Money’ she said. At that point I said ‘even worse!’ and grabbed those envelopes, tried tearing them in half, but forgot Canadian money is like rubber and there was no change of that.
‘Is that house worth this to you! You like arguing against me for strangers we don’t even frekin’ (actually the f word). Your family is here in these walls. We are the ones you live with and should be backing up, but instead you frekin’ what to argue and back up total freakin’ strangers!!! Is this what get’s you happy!??!!’ She put her hands up in prayer style and said ‘Sato’ as if that’s going to fix us.
She has don’t this countless of times in the past and has NEVER once backed me up standing by my side when things got unfair for me, but instead stood against me by justifying the complete strangers. Can I give you some examples? Maybe someone will then why I am just becoming more frustrated and just giving up hope.

-I was getting my birth certificate laminated due to a big flood caused by the release of dam water. I wanted to water proof it. So long story short this company didn’t do a good job laminating leaving my birth certificate open to water attack. They have done it a second time and still missed the corner of my certificate. I think they tried 4 times before they actually covered my certificate. When it can time to pay they wanted me to pay for their mistakes. I said no and was side railed by not only the company, but my wife too. Being a stubborn proud person who stuck up for what he knew was right and his belief (core) I fought with words and argued back with the company and my wife, standing my ground, saying I wasn’t paying for their mistakes and the company should take the pay from their employee.
I ended up NOT paying for their mistake and only paying for what I ordered, but not without bad repercussion on my marriage and how I saw my wife (someone against me with a cold heart).

-Everyone loves McDonald’s restaurant, right. Well, here we are ordering a special burger with no onions or something (memory on the exacts are faded). We didn’t get what we ordered and I told that burger back and demanded I get what I ordered. They, as the latter company, wanted me to pay for a new burger. I, of course, said no and wanted to talk with the manager (who was not there). So we had to wait. My wife, again, was telling me to ‘just pay’ and that ‘it’s only 200 baht’, and ‘never mind’, etc.
Anyways I got a new burger after waiting an hour for the manager to get back, but not without bad repercussion on my marriage and how I saw my wife (someone against me with a cold heart).

-We were grocery shopping at Tesco Lotus (A very big grocery store, the biggest in Asia) and at the check outs I noticed the bill was past what I had in my wallet and asked the clerk to split up the order so I could use cash and a card. He said that he couldn’t do that. So I made it simple and said ‘ok stop and take somethings out’. I proceeded to pass the cash to my wife and told her to ‘buy these groceries and I will buy these ones’. The guy then said ‘I’m sorry sir I can’t do that’. I told the clerk ‘I want to talk with your manager. There is no reason why you can’t take cash and a credit card’. My wife then starts to yell (or just raise her voice) at me saying ‘never mind!’, ‘he said he can’t do it!’, ‘They can’t do it!’, ‘let just go!’, ‘Why don’t you just listen to him when he says he can’t do it!!’
The manager came, put ALL the groceries through on one pass and took both the cash and the bank card. My wife should have listened to me and stood by my side. I NEVER argue on things I’m unsure about, but again this didn’t come without any bad repercussion on my marriage and how I saw my wife (someone against me with a cold heart).
I do remember getting out of the store feeling very embarrassed how ‘my wife was arguing against me (her husband)’. I looked at her and said ‘Don’t ever freakin do that again’. ‘What! What did I do?!’ (Denial or just lack of empathy or just in the habit of jumping to defend the opposing side?…or all of the above and more?).

After a while I had to learn to suppress who I was if I wanted to ‘get along with my wife’ and just not talk about…. anything really. It’s like I get attacked for everything I do and everything I say with nobody to understand me.
I was told you can’t teach people empathy. They have to have learnt it growing up as a child. People who lack empathy can mimic it if they wanted and it seems me wife knows how to mimic the good stuff and try teach other about ‘Being on the same page with daddy’ and ‘about backing family up first’ and this and that, but she doesn’t rarely do any of the stuff she talks about doing or she think she does.

Oh and I just did one fast google ‘accepting gifts from strangers‘ and found this link, Childminding Best Practices’ and send her a screenshot and the link via text message. No response, no ‘sorry hun I see you point after reading that article and we should work as a team to teach our kids this. I do understand Canadian Society is not the same as Thai society and it was wrong of me to compare or to think they are the same. Can you please forgive me?’
Of course, Out of 11 years of marriage she has never said she was wrong about anyhting, but instead just likes to say “WHAT!?”, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN!?” and that’s all I can get from her. (Denial?)

So yesterday I was feeling really proud and exited after completing week 1 of Google’s Technical Support Fundamentals in a couple hours. Today my goal is to complete week 2. It’s not as hard as I thought it’d be and writing binary is way more simple than it seems.
This morning my wife came up to me and asked if she can bring some Thai food to our neighbor which was very very unusual because she has always told me and the kids to keep food and money in the family unless we are giving to a Buddhist Temple. We actually got in many many arguments because I gave things away. Our first argument, that I remember, was over me giving 1,000 baht to total strangers on New Years 2010. I saw them sitting in the middle of the road and thought they were poor so I walked up and gave them a thousand baht bill.
I feel like I need to ‘give’ in secrecy because of her belief. Me on the other hand enjoy giving and makes me feel good. I have tried to explain to her that Monk are no different than the homeless man you see on the corner. We are all equal. She doesn’t see it my way and that’s fine.
Anyways, she asked me this morning and my response was ‘No, why do you want to do that when you told us not to feed or gives things away to anyone but the Temple?’ She looked at me in shock as if I was embarrassing her (Might still be thinking there is a camera recording her) and said ‘I did not!’ and walked out leaving it at that. (Again, with the denial, lying, when there is no need too. I just don’t get it.). When we both know (and the kids) that she dislikes us giving things away. She told the kids, when they tried bring a snack or drink to their friends, ‘Never take food from our house to feed your friends. They have a home with food they can go eat there. We bought food for our house for us to eat, not your friends’
I guess it all depends on our living situations how she reacts, but I think that’s the same for people in general. I would have still said No to her giving the neighbors some Thai food just because I like my privacy and feeding people close by just attracts them more into our lives. Lightly she got one of our children to bring a arts craft over to them, days after they brought some corn from their garden over to us. After we gave them the arts craft they were over again days later knocking on our door. We are too busy with 4 kids jumping off the wall and our marriage needs focusing on, the last thing we need is to bring in more distraction.
I don’t mind if she wants to take the Thai food downtown or even here on the corner of the main road and hand it to a pan handler. It is getting colder our and closer to Christmas and they won’t come knocking on our front door unexpectedly. In fact I will tell her now ‘let’s go for a walk to 97 and give your Thai food to one of the people standing in the middle of the road freezing.’…..I guess she ‘loves that’, but she also said ‘but, you’re coming with me’ as if I was demanded. I told her ‘You can just go.’, but she wouldn’t have hear it. Looks like that’s what we are going to do on our flyer route after the kids get released from school.

So after hearing ‘You deal with him then’, I decided to put one of our cameras in front of our youngest child’s laptop because he keeps going to sites we told him not to go to. He likes to google a lot and my wife likes to say ‘stop touching the computer!’, but the minute everyone is not looking he’s back to touching the computer and changing this and that, settings, wifi connections, then say ‘internet is not working again!’
Hopefully, now that the camera is ‘watching’ his computer screen, he will not go anywhere he is not aloud and we, the parents, can do our own study. Like Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg said in one of his books I’ve read “Control the environment, not the child”. Not sure if it was the book NVC: Non-Violent Communication or Life Enriching Education.

This morning is turning out to be stressful. All kids start today, Tuesday, as if it was a Monday and I have deleted the regular 2.4G guest wifi that the kids use for school and created a 5G guest instead (5G has a smaller range). All laptops connected fine except for my oldest son’s. I even went as far as creating a guest network specifically for him, tried that in 2.4G, tried it open, tried it this way and that, with NO LUCK. I have reset his network adapters on the laptop with no change. Why can’t his laptop see any of the networks? I turned his device off of being a ‘child’ device and turned off filtering and still no change. I decided to ‘share wifi’ from my desktop and, what do you know, he was able to connect. I put in 208.67.222.222 as a DNS then I got ‘connected without internet’ so I set DNS to automatic with no change.
Being frustrated, thinking it might be my son who has messed around with the wifi drivers in hopes to get this other laptop we have (Not saying anything out loud), I reset the whole OS. He is now waiting for the laptop to reboot. I told him not to use his email that is not linked to our family, but to use the email I have created for him because I can not control the other email through Microsoft Family.
Meanwhile, while I was working with my older son, I was listening to a loud nagging, lecturing, voice that was adding to the my stress. It was my wife. I think ALL parents have been where she gets a lot and usually I wouldn’t say anything in front of the kids, but being stressed I said something along the lines of ‘how can he think when if your unable to give him time to think? You keep yelling without a breathe, I can’t even think. Do you think yelling something you have exactly just said will do any better? For me, I have a hard time learning with someone constantly yelling, nagging, lecturing, in my ear.”
Anyways, I guess to add to that, my youngest son’s charger cord for his chromebook was bitten in half by our pet bunny this morning. We have borrowed 3 chromebooks from the kid’s school. One of which has already lost a charger due to the bunny biting it in half. Now this charger. Great, now his laptop is going to die and the school will call us, yet again, asking ‘if the kid’s are in school’. Oldest son has not been in this morning due to his laptop and now our youngest will, most likely, miss this afternoon. . . I think we need desktop computers for them because even my oldest son’s laptop charger is becoming faulty and it seems like he has just days before that is non-working.

Yesterday, I have enrolled in that coursera with my wife. I picked De-Mystifying Mindfulness for us to do together mostly because I have hinted, said, time and time again that my wife do less talking and to just breathe. In the past we concluded she lied for no apparent reasons such as saying ‘she closed the furnace door’ when in fact she knew she didn’t. Or when the kids asked one time ‘can we order pizza?’ she replied ‘yes’ (I think she was distracted by her own thoughts and not really realizing what she was saying yes too), but then when the kids reminded her on the pizza she said ‘I didn’t say yes!’. In the middle of us arguing this is the most frustrating because she will agree on issues then be in total denial and say it never happened or she never said that. I feel it is so pointless in trying to communicate with her that I have resorted to talking to wordpress.com instead of trying to get through to her. 11 years, going on 12, I have become less trying in communication with her because it seems she only sees herself. Like I have said before I’m not sure Why. I have come up with many reasons, but nothing I can say ‘it is this’. Is it just that she has an overly active mind and her millions of thoughts keeps her so distracted that she has a hard time to see anyone around her? Is it that she has an egotistic personality that she can not see eye to eye with anyone? Is it because she is from Thailand where they suppress emotion (emotion is frowned upon) and she was raised with a lack of empathy? Is it all of the above? Who knows, but it sure is frustrating.
On my youngest son’s birthday I was feeling low and I remember everything I was doing seemed to be ‘not good enough’ for my wife and she talked to me using frowned eyebrows and a high pitched voice blaming me for things I have not done nor was doing (such as the internet, of course. I’m ‘always blocking internet on her’). So with false accusations being thrown my way, a low self-worth, and yelling in my ear I was taking in that DEEP breathe, cutting off anything I wanted to shout back, getting up and walking away. Seemed like a thousand times I had to take that DEEP breathe in, not say anything, and walk away. With that came more frustration because I couldn’t communicate her. She would only see herself and not listen to how I was feeling so I don’t even try anymore to tell her how I feel. In the past I have only gotten responds like ‘Don’t feel like that, You shouldn’t feel like that, You don’t need to lie, You should feel this and not that.’ So I don’t try to express myself anymore knowing the doors will only be abusively shut closed.
Anyways, I was hoping this mindfulness course might help her open her mind to seeing herself and maybe giving her some self-control in the things she says. I’m definitely not hoping or expecting any change, but it would be nice.
The course cost us $60 USD for the certificates (in the end) plus I’m thinking the course will be unlocked gradually over the 6 weeks. Meaning, I think, this course will cost us $180, but we’ll have more of an idea when the course starts on December 14th, 2020.
Looking back I remember, loving the study of Buddhism and Buddhist psychology, I would put a piece of duct tape on my mouth after reading a way to practice Zen Buddhism’s non-speech. I couldn’t find anything on this in my google search so I guess it was just the guys opinion in one of the buddhist books I read, but I found this site ‘tape anxiety away’. I loved at how I was driving myself crazy at wanting to talk, but not talking. I love how Buddhist practice is going against the grain and doing things that we don’t want to do (killing off the self). Anyways, I tried practicing like that in Thailand, around the house, around my wife, but it didn’t last 10 minutes before she was saying how much she hated it. I think I’ve tried twice since our marriage, but she wouldn’t have it. To do that practice now, with kids, would be another challenge. I think tape would be very helpful for my wife because the feeling of tape would be the reminder to watch the mouth movement and with less talking she would be able to focus more on other things such as how she feels not talking and why. Personally, I loved seeing that ‘inner child’ go nuts not talking and watching the progression of that child’s tantrums have less and less energy, need, to talk.
Ah, K.I.S.S. acronym, was another BIG argument for us because when she hears the word ‘stupid’ it’s like an automatic trigger for her to get mad. She now knows it’s not a stab at her.

Ok, so I’m leaving now to join my online class. I have enrolled in, not only in De-Mystifying Mindfulness, Technical Support Fundamentals by Google. I am doing it solo, but my wife wants us to do application programing for cellphones so we can create an app and sell in in google play, if we can dream.
At this point I’ve seen 7 views on this website. 7 complete strangers. Now it kinda feels like I’m just writing to them which, maybe, will help with my venting issue.

So this morning I was trying to get this Tails OS working. Not many people have heard of a Tails Operating System, but I’m sure everyone has heard of a Windows Operating System, right? Well, have you heard of a Windows-to-go Operating System that runs off of a USB? Basically it’s Windows 10 on a USB and you can plug n’ play where ever you go. Tails OS is just like Win-to-go only that it’s built for anonymousity just like a Tor Browser. (I THINKING IF I WILL BE TEACHING AS WELL HERE, I WILL NEED TO START ADDING LINKS.)
So I was trying to get the internet working from within the Tails OS this morning just like I got it working last night. Only this morning there was no option for wifi. Not sure WHY last night there was an option to pick a network and today there is not. I’m thinking maybe because last night I used a verified copy of Tails then I tried to clone the Tail from within Tail on another USB and somewhere along the way I just scraped both USBs and started fresh again, but using the same Tails ISO image to flash the drive. Maybe I need to use a new image? Or maybe it’s because I have my router set to a limited number of IP addresses by minimizing the DHCP server pool plus I have attached a specific IP address to a specific MAC address meaning that when a device wants to connect to my router my router will read the MAC address (with is like a serial number) and assign it that specific IP address I gave. If the router get’s a request from a device that I have not programed in it will not hand out an IP address and let that device connect. Of course you can pick an IP address and manually put it in this way if you know of the gateway address. So I also have my router set to MAC filtering which avoids the issue of a device finding out my DHCP pool and putting in a random IP within that pool. This could also be the problem I’m having with Tails OS because it creates it’s own MAC address every time it boot, so it seems.
I think when I get some…..energy to play around with it again, I will just need to add 1 extra IP address to the DHCP server pool, make a guest network specifically for that extra IP, that has no MAC filtering on and see where that goes. Of course I will need to spend an couple hours downloading/installing a new Tails OS along with changing the router.
If your wondering why I do all this I guess it’s from boredom mostly and the fact that I love learning and doing things out of the norm. It actually all started when I saw that documentary called ‘The Social Dilemma’. I first started deleting my google and Microsoft accounts and using programs like win10privacy that deleted all the windows 10 bloatware along with the windows store (with I was only able to get back doing a clean install). With this new social movement on ‘privacy’ I learnt about many new things and was in a new world I had yet to put my foot in. Long story short I created a new gmail and am back to using the Microsoft store because it was torturous trying to get away from the grips of Google and Microsoft. At least facebook now gives you the option to be anonymous in the dark web which I was thinking about, but I have thousands of family pictures and hundreds of family videos that I would need to download from facebook and then remove all the personal information off of them using a program like EXIF Remove then re-posting them to a new facebook account. I just think it’s more work than what it’s worth.
With the Tails OS I just want to get it working and say I have/had it. (Learnt it, know it). I think maybe the only purpose for Tails OS is for billionaires and government officials that need that secrecy. For people that want to use Tails OS for shopping in the dark web, I say cellphones are so cheap now a days you might as well just pick one up over the counter at a 7 eleven and go to your friendly neighbour hood coffee shop for free wifi, download Tor Browser, and shop that way then dispose of that $50 cellphone.
For me, I love to learn and play around with things that are new to me in. What gets me there? Who knows. This time it was the documentary that got me on to facebook, Google, and Microsoft which through the study I stumbled upon Tails OS.

Okay, so having said what I was up to this morning and how I play around with the router I can explain how I am falsely accused a lot by my wife especially when we are in an argument, like we were this morning over a text from my mother.
I got a notification on my cellphone from my mother saying ‘It’s $90’. Meant for my wife I started explaining to my wife that my mother is going to lose her job and that not many people in this covid crisis can afford extra income. You see my wife just got this strong will all of a sudden to upgrade her education. I mean, that’s so fine, but why now? Why during this world wide crisis? She wants to borrow money from my mom for e-cigarettes, education classes, and to send money back home overseas to her dad. That’s at least $200 a month for her smoking habit and classes which is more than a car payment for most people, I explained. I said to her ‘How about you hand out resumes and see if you get even one phone call back during this covid crisis and then decide on spending other peoples money. Especially my mom, who is going to lose her job as a teacher because of her school closing down due to students staying at home. The classes are not going to go anywhere so you can take them when covid dies down and society starts to stable itself.’ She didn’t want to hear none of it. Meanwhile I was messing around with the router/internet/Tails and she came in saying ‘can you stop blocking the internet on me’. She like to say this so I have been trying to teach her what to do when her phone disconnects so she doesn’t falsely accuse me of this over and over and over again. I am really getting tire of this type of abuse. Anyways, I told her to forget all her networks, then manually connect using the IP address ending in .9, DNS is 94.140.14.15, and make sure to use the phones MAC address and NOT a random MAC address. She will get connected every single time if she learns this. (Oh ya, I have the router set to DNS filtering as well. Kids devices go through 2 to 3 DNS filters while my wife uses AdGuard to get rid of ads).
Anyways I think spending $100/month on courses during a world wide crisis is, not very reasonable and I think it’s just the wrong time for anyone unless your bill gates or a millionaire. So many people are out of work, looking for jobs and she wants to get certificates hoping she will get a job in these times? Highly doubtful, but hey I’m thinking if I can’t bet her join her lol. Maybe we can take classes ‘together’. Do not have the money, but hey if it means she’s happy and not sending financial hardship towards my mother then let’s do it…….what does this coursera offer anyways? Not that a person like me will have any better chance at getting work with my criminal record.
HUH, maybe I’m interested lol. Yale University? If I was to take something I would take Introduction to Psychology, DeepLearning.AI, Google IT Support, Machine Learning, Social Psychology, Successful Negotiation, and way more. I think I’ll register for that Successful Negotiation because it starts today. Not that I need it. I think my salesman skills are top of line, but you can never know too much, right.

Self-control. Something I’ve just saw reminded me on a discussion my wife and I had Mind-control and how I can just be furious one second and the next acting like nothing has happened. I can choose where my emotions are most needed. If the calm me is more needed than an emotional havoc. Example would be back in 2015 my wife and I were in an argument to the point I was swearing (only at high anger) and she got a phone call, took it to.the.washroom, and minutes later I heard her crying. Without words I went in and put my arms around her. When she hung up 15-20 minutes later she looked at me and said “how’d you do that?”. Curios I asked “do what?”. “How can you be this totally different person. You were so upset and now nothing.” I explained that I am able to see when people I love need me the most and am able to move my own problems to the backburner for a later time. . .To this day she still doesn’t understand. Sometimes I think it’s her lack of empathy (if that’s there) or her egotistic personality where she can’t see beyond herself (if that’s also a thing). You see I may have years of training, courses, and experience, but my wife is from a whole other planet.

   So am I the bad Guy? I have been asking my 11 year old son to clean his room since noon. At 5:30pm his mom, my wife went to bring him supper to his room. I went in and grabbed that supper and said “clean your room, then come get your supper.” Last thing I do is yell, last thing I do is stress when kids don’t want to listen.  I said “the faster you clean your room the faster you eat.” He ended up crawling to bed, under his blankets. I gave him five minutes then turned off his lights. He stated crying so I said “you don’t need to waste electricity laying in bed. Just let me know when you decide to clean your and I will gladly turn on the light for you.”     Next thing I know my wife calls me to go get something from the garage. My first thought is that she wants to undermine my discipline by sending me out so I say “when the rooms clean”. She replies with “I need the stuff from the garage to make your supper”. So against my own thoughts I go. When I come back she is in our sons room. I don’t want to guess why, but past experience tells me chances are she gave something to eat which defeats my disciplinary actions. It’s very frustrating not having a wife back you up no matter what and instead go against you the minority of the time. I asked her about why she went to the kids room as soon as I left to get a bag veggies from the garage. We almost started getting into an argument when she wanted to get the kids involved. That’s when I said “Nope, kids don’t need to get involved with adult discussions. Nope, I’m done. Kay, stop. I’m done.”