This morning is turning out to be stressful. All kids start today, Tuesday, as if it was a Monday and I have deleted the regular 2.4G guest wifi that the kids use for school and created a 5G guest instead (5G has a smaller range). All laptops connected fine except for my oldest son’s. I even went as far as creating a guest network specifically for him, tried that in 2.4G, tried it open, tried it this way and that, with NO LUCK. I have reset his network adapters on the laptop with no change. Why can’t his laptop see any of the networks? I turned his device off of being a ‘child’ device and turned off filtering and still no change. I decided to ‘share wifi’ from my desktop and, what do you know, he was able to connect. I put in 208.67.222.222 as a DNS then I got ‘connected without internet’ so I set DNS to automatic with no change.
Being frustrated, thinking it might be my son who has messed around with the wifi drivers in hopes to get this other laptop we have (Not saying anything out loud), I reset the whole OS. He is now waiting for the laptop to reboot. I told him not to use his email that is not linked to our family, but to use the email I have created for him because I can not control the other email through Microsoft Family.
Meanwhile, while I was working with my older son, I was listening to a loud nagging, lecturing, voice that was adding to the my stress. It was my wife. I think ALL parents have been where she gets a lot and usually I wouldn’t say anything in front of the kids, but being stressed I said something along the lines of ‘how can he think when if your unable to give him time to think? You keep yelling without a breathe, I can’t even think. Do you think yelling something you have exactly just said will do any better? For me, I have a hard time learning with someone constantly yelling, nagging, lecturing, in my ear.”
Anyways, I guess to add to that, my youngest son’s charger cord for his chromebook was bitten in half by our pet bunny this morning. We have borrowed 3 chromebooks from the kid’s school. One of which has already lost a charger due to the bunny biting it in half. Now this charger. Great, now his laptop is going to die and the school will call us, yet again, asking ‘if the kid’s are in school’. Oldest son has not been in this morning due to his laptop and now our youngest will, most likely, miss this afternoon. . . I think we need desktop computers for them because even my oldest son’s laptop charger is becoming faulty and it seems like he has just days before that is non-working.
Yesterday, I have enrolled in that coursera with my wife. I picked De-Mystifying Mindfulness for us to do together mostly because I have hinted, said, time and time again that my wife do less talking and to just breathe. In the past we concluded she lied for no apparent reasons such as saying ‘she closed the furnace door’ when in fact she knew she didn’t. Or when the kids asked one time ‘can we order pizza?’ she replied ‘yes’ (I think she was distracted by her own thoughts and not really realizing what she was saying yes too), but then when the kids reminded her on the pizza she said ‘I didn’t say yes!’. In the middle of us arguing this is the most frustrating because she will agree on issues then be in total denial and say it never happened or she never said that. I feel it is so pointless in trying to communicate with her that I have resorted to talking to wordpress.com instead of trying to get through to her. 11 years, going on 12, I have become less trying in communication with her because it seems she only sees herself. Like I have said before I’m not sure Why. I have come up with many reasons, but nothing I can say ‘it is this’. Is it just that she has an overly active mind and her millions of thoughts keeps her so distracted that she has a hard time to see anyone around her? Is it that she has an egotistic personality that she can not see eye to eye with anyone? Is it because she is from Thailand where they suppress emotion (emotion is frowned upon) and she was raised with a lack of empathy? Is it all of the above? Who knows, but it sure is frustrating.
On my youngest son’s birthday I was feeling low and I remember everything I was doing seemed to be ‘not good enough’ for my wife and she talked to me using frowned eyebrows and a high pitched voice blaming me for things I have not done nor was doing (such as the internet, of course. I’m ‘always blocking internet on her’). So with false accusations being thrown my way, a low self-worth, and yelling in my ear I was taking in that DEEP breathe, cutting off anything I wanted to shout back, getting up and walking away. Seemed like a thousand times I had to take that DEEP breathe in, not say anything, and walk away. With that came more frustration because I couldn’t communicate her. She would only see herself and not listen to how I was feeling so I don’t even try anymore to tell her how I feel. In the past I have only gotten responds like ‘Don’t feel like that, You shouldn’t feel like that, You don’t need to lie, You should feel this and not that.’ So I don’t try to express myself anymore knowing the doors will only be abusively shut closed.
Anyways, I was hoping this mindfulness course might help her open her mind to seeing herself and maybe giving her some self-control in the things she says. I’m definitely not hoping or expecting any change, but it would be nice.
The course cost us $60 USD for the certificates (in the end) plus I’m thinking the course will be unlocked gradually over the 6 weeks. Meaning, I think, this course will cost us $180, but we’ll have more of an idea when the course starts on December 14th, 2020.
Looking back I remember, loving the study of Buddhism and Buddhist psychology, I would put a piece of duct tape on my mouth after reading a way to practice Zen Buddhism’s non-speech. I couldn’t find anything on this in my google search so I guess it was just the guys opinion in one of the buddhist books I read, but I found this site ‘tape anxiety away’. I loved at how I was driving myself crazy at wanting to talk, but not talking. I love how Buddhist practice is going against the grain and doing things that we don’t want to do (killing off the self). Anyways, I tried practicing like that in Thailand, around the house, around my wife, but it didn’t last 10 minutes before she was saying how much she hated it. I think I’ve tried twice since our marriage, but she wouldn’t have it. To do that practice now, with kids, would be another challenge. I think tape would be very helpful for my wife because the feeling of tape would be the reminder to watch the mouth movement and with less talking she would be able to focus more on other things such as how she feels not talking and why. Personally, I loved seeing that ‘inner child’ go nuts not talking and watching the progression of that child’s tantrums have less and less energy, need, to talk.
Ah, K.I.S.S. acronym, was another BIG argument for us because when she hears the word ‘stupid’ it’s like an automatic trigger for her to get mad. She now knows it’s not a stab at her.
Ok, so I’m leaving now to join my online class. I have enrolled in, not only in De-Mystifying Mindfulness, Technical Support Fundamentals by Google. I am doing it solo, but my wife wants us to do application programing for cellphones so we can create an app and sell in in google play, if we can dream.
At this point I’ve seen 7 views on this website. 7 complete strangers. Now it kinda feels like I’m just writing to them which, maybe, will help with my venting issue.
My Oppressed & Suppressed Life 